O yes, it’s that time of year again, my most favorite time of year! I love it when October is over and November is heading south for the winter, and December is the watchword of the day. Why, you ask? Simple……. It’s the holidays.
Not because of shopping, family, cold air, snow, children laughing, politicians away for the rest of the year…..Heck NO!! I love the seasons because of M&M‘s. Yep, that’s right, M&M’s. You see, during the year, when you buy M&M‘s, especially the peanut ones, which I dearly love and worship, you can only buy them in ‘normal’ packages. I mean, they come in every color under the sun, especially that horrendous blue color which tastes funny. Sure, in the spring you can buy bags of pastel pink, blue, and green, but it’s not the same as the ones you get during the winter holidays. Even the Hallow’een ones aren’t as good.Don’t believe me? Do the taste test. I have!! In fact, I did it in the Reno Airport last year, and bet the clerk there that I could taste the difference between the blue ones, and the rest of the colors. Orange and brown taste pretty much the same to me, but Blue??? Bleeeeeeech. (By the way, I won the bet…) Red and green though, they are a different story. They have a ‘special’ taste. A very special taste. They are sweeter, more refined, more gentle and more genteel. Smoother on the stomach, more luscious on the tongue, these candy-coated delicacies are truly the fruit of the gods…..Actually, more like the vegetable of the gods…. but don’t feel bad, if you can’t taste the difference in the colors, you shouldn’t be eating the peanut M&M‘s anyway. Only gifted persons are permitted to do so. Did you know that green M&M‘smeet all 4 food groups? Of course they do! Don’t ask your mother, what could she possibly know about M&M‘s that I don’t know? See, it works like this:The peanut part, obviously that’s a meat, and meets all requirements of meat. You know, you’ve heard of ‘nutmeats’, etc. So peanuts are a nut, and therefore qualify as a meat. The small kernel at the top of the peanut is fiber. Even better is when you get a nut that isn’t completely free of the skin that covers the nut inside the peanut shell, after it’s harvested and shelled. This grants even more fiber, and even though it tastes funny, it’s still pretty darn good. Better than rutabaga anyways…. The chocolate part, that’s patently obvious. It’s a dairy product, made with milk. Those poor cows that eat all the cocoa plants though, it’s no wonder that they are brown, but the chocolate milk they give out is awesome. Check out the Nestle’ factory sometimes. It’s amazing how clean they keep it with all those chocolate cows coming through. I have cows, so I know what a mess they are. Just shows ya what a bit of money can do for a bovine image. Last but not least, green M&M’s are a vegetable. Really. They ARE!! Anything green MUST be a vegetable, just has to be. Cuz other than feeding cows that DON’T give out chocolate milk, green stuff isn’t good for anything human. But nevertheless, if you still don’t believe me, look at the packages that M&M’s come in. Says right there on the back, ‘vegetable dyes‘. You didn’t believe me did ya? Would I lie about something as important as nutrition? No WAY!! Just look at my body. I consume several pounds of M&M‘s every week, and about a ton between December 1 and February 1, because they take the holiday M‘s (we’re intimate, I can call them M‘s) off the store shelves by February to make room for those wimpy, whiney, flatulent ridden Easter confections. They don’t even deserve to be called M’s. Now, for those of you just getting into the M thing, you gotta know how to eat them like a pro.First, you place 2 or 10 Ms in your mouth. Maneuver them with your tongue, so that the M is perfectly placed halfway between the teeth. Bite down GENTLY, so as not to bruise the nut hidden beneath the shell and chocolate covering. Carefully, using your tongue, remove the candy and chocolate shell from the nut. Chew it, and swallow it without damaging the nut, or damaging the other M’s in your cheek storage area. Now remove the other half of the candy shell, again using the tongue. This is tricky for you beginners. Older folks, help the younger ones along. Teenagers, show your parents. Push the remaining nut, unbruised into the upper reaches of the cheek storage area. Repeat the process, until your cheeks are overflowing with nuts, and you look like a chipmunk caught in the candy jar. Now allow all of the unbruised peanuts to enter the main cavity of the mouth, chew slowly and firmly, savoring the sweetness of chocolate-marinated peanuts. MM,MM,MM,,,,,as Andy Taylor might say…Dang, that’s good! Now, if you are a true nut connoisseur like I am, you’ll quickly learn to split the peanut in half, without bruising the nut. Again using the tongue, carefully remove the fiber portion/oil gland of the nut. Store that gland deep in the recesses of your nut filled cheeks. After chewing up the remaining nut halves, you’ll be wanting to chew up the oil gland part too. It’s like a desert, but one must develop a true taste for such things, much like learning the bouquet of a fine wine. Also, if you are a true connoisseur of the confection of M, you’ll know the rumours around the green ones are simply not true. If it were, there would be more children born in September than statistics would bear out, because more green M‘s are consumed during the holidays than any other time.
The other way that ‘pros’ consume M‘s, especially those folks with no teeth, is to melt the candy coating from the outside, and then by using the tongue, wiping the peanut clean of all traces of chocolate. This is a method perhaps practiced best on a deserted island where the emergency ration bag of M‘s has to last a looooooooong time, or for when you are being punished for something, and the aquisition of M‘s becomes questionable. (this is why I ALWAYS keep a stash of a small bag of M‘s beneath my bed)
Regardless, it’s simple logic that if you practice eating M&M‘s like a pro, or a connoisseur as I myself am, you’ll be a much better kisser. (Playing/practicing the flute and tonguing techniques accomplishes the same goal, but eating M‘s is much more fun!) Work those mouth muscles out, and eat candy like a MAN!! ( or a woman if you are of female gender)One last thought, why is it that M&M’s in the 2 pound bag always taste better?Happy Seasons and Holidays to you and yours,From the nuttiest windbag alive,
12/6/99 I receive dozensof mails about the various editorials, and as a policy, I keep the comments and opinions to myself. However, one mail we received from a Mrs. Lonnie C had me laughing and wondering if she was really serious or not. Since I’ll never experience PMS, I’ll never know the answer. Perhaps you could tell me….Anyway, here is what she writes;
>From a female perspective, did you know that taking two Pamprins, washed down with Sprite, followed quickly by a small bag of peanut M & M’s will cure PMS????? Pamprin can’t work without M & M’s! When I shared this medical discovery with my OB/GYN he was sceptical, said he loved M & M’s too, but thought this “treatment” would add extra weight. I assured him it doesn’t, if you only eat the small bag, not the large ones. Since I am not over weight, think I convinced him, and I am sure he now prescribes this to all his patients with PMS.<