November 14, 2010

Joshua, my son
Carrying pain is like carrying rocks. You can carry them, throw them at someone, lay them down and quit, or build something with them. Although I like to throw one once in a while, I’d like to think that I’ve built something better with them. Heaven knows I’ve tried.
But even building anew, building from this burden hasn’t brought me the peace I search for. I still feel 3:10 p.m. every day. I long for your kiss on the top of my head, I long for your laughter and silly jokes. Even the bad one about kicking the bear in the ice hole.
Since the day you left, life has been different. Colors don’t hold the same hue, sounds aren’t as bright, and the most basic emotions seem to be elusive from time to time.
You’ve missed so much since youv’e been gone. Of course I tell you this each year, although on this particular day I cannot stand at your side to tell you how much has changed.
This month, two young men have left us behind; both just about your age. If there is a heaven, I’m sure they’re there with you and can tell you stories of what I’ve been doing. I’ve had a couple of students that are of a similar number of years as you would be, one of them even looks much like you. I’ve taken him under my wing perhaps because he reminds me of you. But no one can fill the hole you’ve left behind. I wish I could tell you of the love I’ve lost, the hurt that nothing can fill, your sister and her trials. I’d like to tell you about all the places I’ve seen this past year. I cannot place flowers at your headstone this year; but in spirit I am there.
Tonight I flew alone, your photo in my helmet as always, thinking of you as always. The sun was setting over Catalina and I imagined your hand on mine as I flew. Somehow this small ritual brings your anniversary to a close, but it doesn’t bring closure.

Thanks for all you’ve done
I’ve missed you for so long
I can’t believe you’re gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I’ve never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you’re a part of me
And it’s your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can’t hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you’re gone
You still mean the world to me

I’ve never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it’s not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can’t believe you’re gone

And I know, you’re a part of me
And it’s your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can’t hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I’m glad he set you free from sorrow
I’ll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will

There isn’t an hour that passes that you aren’t there in some way. I know you’re in the wind, and I feel you with me from time to time.
I miss you, Josh.

Joshua, my son
Advertisements

Published by

DSE

I've been a successful sales manager, musician, film/video professional, instructional designer, and skydiver. Picked up a few pieces of gold, brass, titanium, and tin along the way. This blog is where I spill my guts about how I'm feeling at any given moment, and maybe a blurb or two about what's happening in the sales, video, or skydiving worlds.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s