M&M’s (Reprinted Editorial from 1999)

EDITORIAL12/01/99

M&M‘s

 

     O yes, it’s that time of year again, my most favorite time of year! I love it when October is over and November is heading south for the winter, and December is the watchword of the day. Why, you ask? Simple……. It’s the holidays.

    Not because of shopping, family, cold air, snow, children laughing, politicians away for the rest of the year…..Heck NO!!    I love the seasons because of M&M‘s. Yep, that’s right, M&M’s.     You see, during the year, when you buy  M&M‘s, especially the peanut ones, which I dearly love and worship, you can only buy them in ‘normal’ packages. I mean, they come in every color under the sun, especially that horrendous blue color which tastes funny.  Sure, in the spring you can buy bags of pastel pink, blue, and green, but it’s not the same as the ones you get during the winter holidays. Even the Hallow’een ones aren’t as good.Don’t believe me? Do the taste test. I have!! In fact, I did it in the Reno Airport last year, and bet the clerk there that I could taste the difference between the blue ones, and the rest of the colors. Orange and brown taste pretty much the same to me, but Blue??? Bleeeeeeech. (By the way, I won the bet…)    Red and green though, they are a different story. They have a ‘special’ taste. A very special taste. They are sweeter, more refined, more gentle and more genteel. Smoother on the stomach, more luscious on the tongue, these candy-coated delicacies are truly the fruit of the gods…..Actually, more like the vegetable of the gods…. but don’t feel bad, if you can’t taste the difference in the colors, you shouldn’t be eating the peanut M&M‘s anyway. Only gifted persons are permitted to do so.     Did you know that green M&M‘smeet all 4 food groups? Of course they do! Don’t ask your mother, what could she possibly know about M&M‘s that I don’t know? See, it works like this:The peanut part, obviously that’s a meat, and meets all requirements of meat. You know, you’ve heard of ‘nutmeats’, etc. So peanuts are a nut, and therefore qualify as a meat.    The small kernel at the top of the peanut is fiber. Even better is when you get a nut that isn’t completely free of the skin that covers the nut inside the peanut shell, after it’s harvested and shelled. This grants even more fiber, and even though it tastes funny, it’s still pretty darn good. Better than rutabaga anyways….    The chocolate part, that’s patently obvious. It’s a dairy product, made with milk. Those poor cows that eat all the cocoa plants though, it’s no wonder that they are brown, but the chocolate milk they give out is awesome. Check out the Nestle’ factory sometimes. It’s amazing how clean they keep it with all those chocolate cows coming through. I have cows, so I know what a mess they are. Just shows ya what a bit of money can do for a bovine image.        Last but not least, green M&M’s are a vegetable. Really. They ARE!! Anything green MUST be a vegetable, just has to be. Cuz other than feeding cows that DON’T give out chocolate milk, green stuff isn’t good for anything human. But nevertheless, if you still don’t believe me, look at the packages that M&M’s come in. Says right there on the back, ‘vegetable dyes‘. You didn’t believe me did ya? Would I lie about something as important as nutrition? No WAY!!    Just look at my body. I consume several pounds of M&M‘s every week, and about a ton between December 1 and February 1, because they take the holiday M‘s (we’re intimate, I can call them M‘s) off the store shelves by February to make room for those wimpy, whiney, flatulent ridden Easter confections. They don’t even deserve to be called M’s.        Now, for those of you just getting into the M thing, you gotta know how to eat them like a pro.First, you place 2 or 10 Ms in your mouth. Maneuver them with your tongue, so that the M is perfectly placed halfway between the teeth. Bite down GENTLY, so as not to bruise the nut hidden beneath the shell and chocolate covering.                       Carefully, using your tongue, remove the candy and chocolate shell from the nut. Chew it, and swallow it without damaging the nut, or damaging the other M’s in your cheek storage area. Now remove the other half of the candy shell, again using the tongue. This is tricky for you beginners. Older folks, help the younger ones along. Teenagers, show your parents.        Push the remaining nut, unbruised into the upper reaches of the cheek storage area.         Repeat the process, until your cheeks are overflowing with nuts, and you look like a chipmunk caught in the candy jar. Now allow all of the unbruised peanuts to enter the main cavity of the mouth, chew slowly and firmly, savoring the sweetness of chocolate-marinated peanuts. MM,MM,MM,,,,,as Andy Taylor might say…Dang, that’s good! Now, if you are a true nut connoisseur like I am, you’ll quickly learn to split the peanut in half, without bruising the nut. Again using the tongue, carefully remove the fiber portion/oil gland of the nut. Store that gland deep in the recesses of your nut filled cheeks. After chewing up the remaining nut halves, you’ll be wanting to chew up the oil gland part too. It’s like a desert, but one must develop a true taste for such things, much like learning the bouquet of a fine wine. Also, if you are a true connoisseur of the confection of M, you’ll know the rumours around the green ones are simply not true. If it were, there would be more children born in September than statistics would bear out, because more green M‘s are consumed during the holidays than any other time. 

    The other way that ‘pros’ consume M‘s, especially those folks with no teeth, is to melt the candy coating from the outside, and then by using the tongue, wiping the peanut clean of all traces of chocolate. This is a method perhaps practiced best on a deserted island where the emergency ration bag of M‘s has to last a looooooooong time, or for when you are being punished for something, and the aquisition of M‘s becomes questionable. (this is why I ALWAYS keep a stash of a small bag of M‘s beneath my bed)

     Regardless, it’s simple logic that if you practice eating M&M‘s like a pro, or a connoisseur as I myself am, you’ll be a much better kisser. (Playing/practicing the flute and tonguing techniques accomplishes the same goal, but eating M‘s is much more fun!) Work those mouth muscles out, and eat candy like a MAN!! ( or a woman if you are of female gender)One last thought, why is it that M&M’s in the 2 pound bag always taste better?Happy Seasons and Holidays to you and yours,From the nuttiest windbag alive,

          

12/6/99 I receive dozensof mails about the various editorials, and as a policy, I keep the comments and opinions to myself. However, one mail we received from a Mrs. Lonnie C had me laughing and wondering if she was really serious or not. Since I’ll never experience PMS, I’ll never know the answer. Perhaps you could tell me….Anyway, here is what she writes;

>From a female perspective, did you know that taking two Pamprins, washed down with Sprite, followed quickly by a small bag of peanut M & M’s will cure PMS?????  Pamprin can’t work without M & M’s!  When I shared this medical discovery with my OB/GYN he was sceptical, said he loved M & M’s too, but thought this “treatment” would add extra weight.  I assured him it doesn’t, if you only eat the small bag, not the large ones.  Since I am not over weight, think I convinced him, and I am sure he now prescribes this to all his patients with PMS.<

Skydive Elsinore Wingsuit School Video Guides

 

Wingsuit training has been a dynamic journey in skydiving for the past decade, with a great deal of spread in how the discpline is taught to new wingsuiters.  At Skydive Elsinore, we’ve developed a wingsuit training mechanism very similar to the AFF program.  Using basics of coaching, coupled with input from John Hamilton, Jay Stokes, “Lob” Lobjoit, Jarno Cordia, Robi Pecnik, and several hundred students in the initial process, we’ve developed functional, consistent methods for wingsuit training.
These videos are what we show to wingsuit students at various levels in the coaching process. There are other videos not shared, we’ll make them available at a later date. 

This article is not intended as wingsuit training. It is intended to inform existing and would-be wingsuit coaches about our methodology. A wingsuit coach is highly recommended, and it is equally recommended that a quality coach be sought out, safety record questioned, and methods explained before hand. A 10 minute first-flight course isn’t training. A proper, complete FFC is going to last a minimum of 45 minutes, with 90 minutes being more common. PLEASE SEEK QUALIFIED COACHING** for a First Flight Course and at least a few post-FFC jumps. This is important for your personal safety, for aircraft safety, and the safety of others. Wingsuiting is different from ‘normal’ freefall due in part to the horizontal component, and the speeds at which we can travel, in addition to deployment differences and the potential for higher speeds if instability occurs. 

Each part of  the jump is broken into smaller chunks of manageable  information, which are then combined to complete the jump. Whether it’s the first flight course or a post-FFC coaching jump, every module is broken down into at least two parts. There are at least two modules to every jump.
Currently we offer 10 levels beginning with the FFC and finishing with an introduction to backflying. Most of the levels are supported with kinesthetic and isometric exercises, not unlike the Skydive University methods taught in the USPA Cat G-H coaching jumps for new skydivers.

FFC’s are broken down into five elements/modules;

• Exit
• Navigation (with practice touches)
• Deployment
• Clearing the Suit
• Emergency Procedures

The elements/modules are heavily drilled/practiced on the ground, and supported with pre-jump training video.

Often times, we have would-be wingsuiters with exactly the minimum number of jumps required by the USPA BSR, and they may or may not be current. Our coaches use discretion in training, however, low jump number students are often required to do all FFC ground training and a wingsuit-less wingsuit jump (performing all tasks that they’ll be performing when they don the wingsuit) prior to doing a jump with the wingsuit and continuing training.

This is a pre-FFC training jump. The student fulfills all wingsuit tasks without wearing the wingsuit. The student has already been through the ground portions of the FFC.

EXITS:

Wingsuit students often express fear of the horizontal stabilizer (rightfully so) during the pre-course interview. Exits are drilled until the student can confidently exit the mockup with eyes closed. We spend more time on exits than in any other module of the course, as the setup, launch, flyaway, and horizontal stab avoidance are part of every wingsuit jump in the future, and the only part of the jump that is life-threatening for both the student and pilot (and others that may still be in the aircraft after a wingsuiter exits).
We teach a positive-contact exit method that assures closure of the wing; there can be no mistake. This exit method serves every turbine aircraft with a side door, and we train wingsuiters (on request) to manage 206 and 182 aircraft exits. 

NAVIGATION  (WITH PRACTICE TOUCHES)

(Skydive Elsinore provides wingsuits students with a 90 degree turn from jumprun upon coach request. Not only does this practice offer the student a more straight-on flight path, it also ensures that First-Flight wingsuit students are well off the path of jumprun, preventing proximity with tandems and/or other skydivers in most situations). Practice touches are broken down into four components. Note that waveoffs are part of the practice-touch process; waveoffs should be taught in all First Flight Courses.

DEPLOYMENT:

First Flight Students frequently express trepidation about deployment; getting the parachute out cleanly while wearing large surface areas is daunting for even the most experienced skydiver. We drill deployment procedures to the point that students are able to do them with their eyes closed on the ground.  This builds confidence and muscle memory. Kinesthetic reinforcement is very important in this drill. A waveoff before deployment is required of the student. Some coaches do not teach a wave off, citing that it “might be too much information for new wingsuiters.” This is simply ridiculous. We teach waveoff in the FJC, so if  a first-jump AFF skydiver can wave off, so can a first flight wingsuit student with at least 200 jumps. Ingrain the habit from the start. We also may never see this wingsuiter again after the First Flight Course.

CLEARING THE SUIT:

Clearing the suit does not have a supportive video;  it is fairly straightforward, and takes only a few minutes to teach although this part of the training is also broken down into three parts, then assembled as a whole.

EMERGENCY PROCEDURES

INSTABILITY RECOVERY:
We spend a significant portion of allotted time on instability recovery. Many FFC students have been watching YouTube, reading Dropzone.com, or have heard horror stories about the mythical flatspin (that doesn’t occur with properly taught FFC courses).  They are fearful, and often express fear in the FFC interview process.

When coaching, we do not refer to “flatspins” but rather “instability.”  Old school methods teach to ball up; this presents its own problems as students progress into larger and larger suits. The method we train is effective whether in large or small wingsuit, rather than having one procedure for large suits and one procedure for small suits.  We train on creepers with kinesthetics and isometrics, and the student is well prepared to deal with any instability or rotation that may occur.

LINETWISTS:

Linetwists are a part of the Emergency Procedures module. We offer multiple methods for the beginning wingsuiter. There are other methods available; we’ve found these two methods to be quite effective for the new wingsuiter. 

Linetwists occur in a small percentage of FFC’s. Of course there are other methods for clearing linetwists; we’ve found these methods to be very effective for the newer wingsuiter, without adding to their set of training tasks.

FFC/JUMP ONE

Once the FFC has been successfully completed, we move into rapidly advancing skills and confidence of the FFC student while their confidence is high.
The second jump in the series trains a front float exit with start/coast/stop and forward motion control. We teach this immediately so that students understand various methods of slowing down or “stopping” in the event they may be flying too close or too fast towards another wingsuiter in a group setting. We feel this is the next most-important skillset.

JUMP TWO:

Front Float Exit/Start/Coast/Stop skills.
Student will exit front float (coach in rear) and once relative to coach, the student will perform three tasks prior to deployment. The front float exit is arguably the most safe exit for wingsuiting, and it is taught very early. We also use this exit as an FFC with students that are very tall.

JUMP THREE:

Running/Pivot Exit (for Otters, Caravans, Skyvans, other large door aircraft)
Up/Down fall rate skills (performed with the hips, not head, arms, or legs)

JUMP FOUR:

GAINER EXIT (for Otters, Caravans, Skyvans, other large door aircraft)
This is a “rabbit jump” where the student is no longer base; the Coach acts as a base and provides a stable reference for the student to fly to.
(No Supporting Video)

JUMP FIVE:

Students are prepped for barrel rolls. A Front Float exit is common, but students are given a choice of Running/Pivot or Front Float exits. Gainer Exits are generally not appropriate for barrel roll jumps. The purpose of this jump is as much about instability as it is about performing the barrel rolls.  Students that are able to deal with mild instability are generally prepared for beginning backflying.

JUMP SIX

Baton Passes. Student choice of exit.

JUMP SEVEN

Performance Category jump. Student has two options from which to choose.

JUMP EIGHT

Performance Category jump. Student has two options from which to choose.

JUMP NINE

Performance Category jump. Student has two options from which to choose.

JUMP TEN

Running pivot exit. Student will transition from belly to back, backfly for five seconds, and transition to belly for five seconds. This is an introduction to backflying.

Phoenix-fly and Skydive Elsinore have funded and facilitated the development of the training method.  I’m very grateful to them both for making it possible to develop a program for wingsuiters that is sensible and efficient for cross-training AFFI’s, USPA Coaches, and Wingsuit Coaches.  Wingsuiting is still seen as a discipline similar to freefall, and the dedication to creating better, more consistent training on the part of both groups is inspiring and appreciated.

Coaching helps wingsuit students arrive safely at backflying confidence with the entry-level to flying on their back.

Positive-contact exits work very well, offer great stability, and provide a method that assures there can be no tail strike.

Kinesthetics and isometrics play a big role in coaching at Skydive Elsinore Wingsuit School.

**Jump numbers are not what makes for a “Qualified Coach.”  Manufacturer ratings are a good place to start; There are great coaches without manufacturer ratings and there are terrible coaches with them.  

 

Less Weight, Feels Great

Tonfly is well known for their camera helmets. Designed in Italy, built in Slovakia, their carbon fibre helmet designs are a bit different than everyone else.
When Giovanni Suzzi, president of Tonfly,  offered up an opportunity to review his newest helmets,  I was expecting them in the mail in two separate boxes. When UPS dropped the package at my door, I was certain an error had been made due to the lightness of the single package.  I was shocked to find two helmets inside. These helmets weigh almost nothing, but yet are incredibly strong, solid, and as protective as any skydiving helmet I’ve ever worn. 

“The helmets are made from a tighter carbon fiber weave,” says “Sonic” Bayrasli, exclusive distributor for Tonfly in the USA. “This contributes to a marginally higher cost.”

The 2X and 3X helmets are definitely a unique grade of helmet. The exceptional lightweight means less fatigue at the end of a long day of skydiving. This also allows for a thicker padding inside, thus quieting the helmet more than any helmet of the same class.

Both helmets sport an audible pocket over the right ear, made specifically for the L&B Optima, Solo II, or Protrack devices. This unique pocket allows for external access without crowding the wearer’s head. There is also room for a second audible over the left ear, perfect in size for a Flysight (wingsuiter’s tool)  or other standard size audible.

The ladder-strap chin cup provides for a secure mount. However, I discovered that if the chin cup isn’t reasonably centered in the ladder straps/on the chin, the release catches can easily be knocked loose. Equal tension on both sides of the chincup is fairly important for the most secure fit.  As with earlier models of the Tonfly helmets, the 2X and 3X helmets use a carbon fiber chincup covered with a vanity cup emblazoned with the Tonfly logo. This vanity cup is available in many colors to match any custom color scheme a buyer might come up with.

Speaking of custom… Tonfly offers the 2X and 3X in all sorts of custom colors with logos put in place as designed by a buyer. I asked for some unique logos and color combinations and Tonfly was more than obliging. 

Both helmets are designed for mounting a single camera on top. Neither helmet is designed as a helmet for both video and stills; these are made to be as light as possible. A Zkulls mounting ring is provided on both helmets (optional) along with a molded space for the GetHypoxic HypEye camera controller (optional).  The 3X also provides a debrief port for the HypEye control/debriefing system (optional).  This is very useful for team debriefs, viewing video immediately after a jump where a DV, HDV, or AVCHD camcorder is used and an HDMI cable isn’t available. This also means that the AV connector on the camera won’t need to be disconnected, thus saving wear and tear on the camera connector (a common point of failure).

Two very unique features set the 3X apart from it’s brother; the air pump system that allows the base of the helmet to conform to the wearer’s head, and a “crown” that allows the user to quickly shift the angle of the camera by as much as 15 degrees forward or back.

The air pump system is terrific for wearers with long hair; it makes the helmet ‘feel’ like a full face helmet in the way it contains hair. Those with short hair will appreciate the additional quiet that the custom conformation option provides. It takes 4-5 pumps to make the helmet tight against my head, and I have medium-length hair. The small air release nipple next to the pump provides an instant release of air, but in truth, it’s impossible to make the helmet uncomfortably tight, even with the air pumped as tight as the internal bladder allows.

 The slotted  mounting plate allows users to change the camera angle, albeit not instantly. This is very useful for wingsuit pilots or freeflyers. Wingsuiters will like the ability to shift a camera forward (angled more downward) which allows for easier capture of a formation in a vertical slot, and freeflyers will like the additional angles for flying close in small groups.  Changing the angle of the platform requires a slotted screwdriver and a couple of minutes. It’s very easy. However, the screws are also extremely light weight, so use care when turning them so as to not strip their threads.

As mentioned before, the adjustable camera platform also provides access to the video debrief port found on the HypEye camera control system. On a personal note, I’ve found this feature invaluable not only because it reduces wear/tear on the camera AV port, but also because it allows for a very fast connection to both television and computer monitors (if equipped with a composite input).

Wingsuit students use Tonfly Helmets at Skydive Elsinore. Each is equipped with a custom-color L&B Optima, courtesy of L&B.

Both helmets share the same chincup and ladder characteristics.

What I don’t like about these helmets:

                The screws that hold the camera platform to the 3X are thin metal and easy to strip. Tonfly could address this by including a couple of extra screws/receivers with each helmet (they’re very difficult to find here in the USA). 

                The ladder straps on both the 3X and the 2X don’t hold as well as their older brothers in the CCM/CC1 realm.

What I do like about these helmets:

                Super comfortable on the head. No pressure points anywhere.

                Extremely lightweight (hence the “X” in their name, perhaps?)

                Very strong. I’ve been knocked in the head by several students, one of them wearing boots sharp enough to chip the paint on the helmet, but I didn’t feel a thing. I was also hit by a newbie wingsuiter hard enough to cost me a battery, lens, and destroyed camera; one can only imagine how much of my skull was protected by this lightweight helmet.

                The fit. I don’t know what Tonfly does exactly, but I appreciate the way this helmet fits. Students often comment on how much they love the fit of the helmet too. Mine is a size 59; it seems to be an average size.

                The camera system on the 3X simply rocks. I love how it works, how it feels when I’m flying, and provides the angle I prefer with wingsuit students.

                Quiet. The 3X is the most quiet helmet I’ve ever jumped.

 

More information:
www.tonfly.com
www.tonfly-usa.com

 

A Little Closer to Far Away

Everyone could use a hand now and then.  Offer one.  It’s really pretty easy.  Just say these words….”May I help you?”

Yeah…that’s it.  That’s all.  Help an old lady across the street whether she wants to go or not.  Lift someone’s luggage into the overhead bin.  Tell a TSA agent to ease up on the gal wearing the diapers.  Help a mother lift a stroller up a set of stairs.  Open a door.

As my flight works its way across the ocean, writing seemed the best outlet for some steam I needed to let off. In my journey to Israel, I met Nick and his family; older people that couldn’t manage to get their luggage overhead, so I was most happy to help them. On my return, I saw a slightly different version of Nick and Sarai several rows ahead of me. Between this older couple and I was a group of “Birthright” kids from Philly.  Jewish teens that had just completed a tour of Israel with hopes of one day moving to Israel and becoming Israeli citizens. This couple was obviously struggling with their carryon luggage (hers was immense), and these kids were doing nothing to help. There was a young man standing in the aisle if he’d help them, and he looked at me like I had three heads. The next easiest solution was to push my way through this group of teens  more interested in their iCocks and souvenirs than helping the couple (and getting the plane away from the gate on time) and helped the elderly couple.  There was a brief moment of angst when one of the kids says to me “A flight attendant coulda done that.” (I’ll chalk it up to the kid being from Philly and not because he was a teen)

In our human-ness, sometimes we forget we’re human and we all need help once in a while.  Some of us accept help better than others  (My personal acceptance of help could use some improvement).  In helping others, we make our world a little better; we feel good about ourselves. Allow others the opportunity to feel good about themselves from time to time too.

We all know to put money into our financial institutions; do we put ‘mitzvahs’** into our social institutions? If not, the day will come when we need to make a withdrawal and our account shall be empty.

The above image is the ASL sign for “I love you,” as it combines the letters “I”, “L”, and “Y” into a single sign.

I”m not advocating the frilly soft peace-love-the world is a pretty place concept that failed in the late 60′s and early 70′s. All I’m saying is that we can give each other a break, a hand, a helping opportunity.  It’s really pretty simple.

Years ago, I used to close every concert saying “We’re all human beings who need one another; we’re all human beings filled with hope. It is my dream to one day see a world where the world celebrates, rather than vilifies our differences.  It is my hope, that on this night my music would bring us just a little closer to that dream, which seems so far away (My biggest selling album is “Closer to Far Away“). Please remember that as five-fingered humans, we are all the same.”

Give 5 seconds a day to others. They’ll be happier for it.

So will you.

Josh’s hands

 

**mitzvah is a “good deed” in Jewish culture.

Frosted Flakes vs Not (Leaving Israel)

Seven different hotels in 6 weeks…and at the first one I noted that the breakfast offerings included Frosted Flakes and non-frosted flakes ie; Corn Flakes. Yes, I’m leaving Tel Aviv and Israel for the warmth of NYC, SLC, and ONT. And had some extra time on my hands this morning.

Being a Frosted Flakes kinda guy, I chose to make this an opportunity to observe and learn. During the past five weeks, an intense study on human nature, proclivities for sugar, and the effect on the human spirit has been undertaken. This has been an intense experience, occupying all of at least 3-5 minutes per morning/day. You’re welcome (as your emails and letters have demonstrated appreciation for my efforts).

And the results are….

Travelling people prefer Frosted Flakes almost 2:1 over Corn Flakes.

• San Francisco-Frosted Flakes all the way…

• In Toronto, the Frosted Flake tube was nearly empty; the Corn Flakes tube was close to full (The Fruit Loops tube was about half way full).

• In SLC, the Frosted Flakes tube was so empty that I observed the ritual re-filling while lemmings awaited and anticipated a dispensation of sweetness.

• Mexico City; no comparison. Zero Cornflakes were gone from the tube, while echo could be somewhat discerned in the Frosted Flakes tube.

• In Playa Del Carmen,…Frosted Flakes scored significantly higher (more empty tube) than Corn Flakes, Raisin Bran, FrootLoops, or Cheerios (this was a VERY high-end hotel)

• Los Angeles; The hotel didn’t offer cereal at all (which was very odd and I informed them of such. I was told that they were health-conscious, whatever the hell that means).

• Last but not least,  Tel Aviv. Here in Tel Aviv, I’ve observed the Frosted Flakes tube either less than half full, or so empty that nothing was there but sugar dust. This morning I was a quarter past annoyed when the last full bowl was taken by this Hassidic guy ahead of me in line.  I mean….what was he THINKING? Milk? Sugar? Corn? Is that *really* kosher or was he just faking it?  Fortunately the manager of the restaurant and I had previously had conversations (as part of my research) and she quickly brought more Frosted Flakes.  The thing was…I’d already filled my plate with egg and bagel. I’ll try for Flakes at lunchtime.
  [the above text is grey because I'm told grey has a studious appearance when grasping  for spurious specifics) 

In conclusion...the process of science and logic deduce there is a child inside specially marked boxes (coupons not redeemable).

Give in to him/her; you know you want to (even you, Hammo).

Embrace him/her.  Have a bowl of Frosted Flakes on occasion. You'll be happier for it.  I was horribly depressed before I began this trip (typical country song; I had surgery, close friend died, girlfriend left me, too much Oban/not enough sleep, cat hissed at me, dogs pissed at me), I've not had a moment of depression since this series of travel has begun. Only today, the first day in a long time that I have not had access to Flakes, have I experienced depression (it may just be a combination of the whitefish, leaving Tel Aviv, and jetlag, too. I'm not certain). The Flakes on the Flight to Tel Aviv were different than the Flakes consumed in the hotels.

Speaking of Frosted Flakes, I can hardly wait to get back to Temecula. Frosted flakes stalk the mall there, and they're kinda fun to observe on the weekdays.  Jeff Greenberg and I observed a red-headed frosted flake on the beach last night. Definitely coated with artificial sugar; her smile fell off as soon as she thought we weren't looking, and we were -always- looking until she finally brought our food.

See you soon.

In the meantime, enjoy some Zappa serving "Flakes" with no offense intended to friends in California (special appearance by almost-Bob Dylan).

P.S. To-da to Ben, Smardar, Michael, Eran, Hector, Tal, Yeran, Avi, and everyone else that made the INPUT-NOW conference so much fun.  See you at IBC.

~d

Day Two in Israel

 

The sun rises in the east yet for some reason east “feels” west here. Body clock says “get up” when it’s still midnight, so a stroll around the beach is in order. More nightlife than one might expect on Shabbat. The little cone lights put out on the beach as “sitting areas” coupled with mid-size screens showing crappy movies is also a nice draw.   This iwas a fun evening, from sandy beach to “A Place For Meat” it was great. The waitress was amazingly good.  Thank you BEN!!

Breakfast consists of hard-boiled eggs on bread; salad for breakfast is common. Israeli’s seem to love their salads; maybe it’s a means of supporting internal economy (You must eat your salad and pancakes, there are children starving on farms in the north…, we all do our part).  The sidewalk bistro is perfect for starting the day. Everyone is filled with “good mornings” and smiles, and there are newspapers in Hebrew, Spanish, Greek, English hanging from a rack.  Free internet abounds here; it’s as common as the smiles. Israeli people are markedly tolerant of Americans, at least in this part of Tel Aviv. Last time I was here, I stayed in the diamond district and aside from the shops being well out of my financial means, the shopkeepers didn’t like browsers nor casual conversation. This morning, I exchanged jokes with our server and we talked about how she’s learned English by watching the TV series “Modern Family” (I’ve never seen it).

REALity Bites

Reality TV from America is a big deal here in Israel. Life must be boring.

The beach is entirely a different matter here.

The sand is so fine, it’s soft and inviting; until you stand in it for more than 5 seconds without shoes. HOLY HELL IT HOLDS HEAT! No fooling, blisters in about 2 minutes. Say whatever you want about Middle East culture; if their feet can handle this sort of torture, you don’t want to mess with these people!

OK, hip-hole dug, towel laid down, we’ll start by hitting the water. The Med seemed warmer last night in the dark, perhaps that’s the difference between a 95 degree day and the water vs an 80 degree night and the water. No sharks (Israeli nor Arab-trained) and the water is reasonably clear. We’ll swim out to the breakwaters…Nooooope… Lifeguards don’t like that if you’re alone. they’ll come get you on a Jetski… I wondered what those heli’s over the beach were for…they’re WATCHING SWIMMERS! THEY HATE THESE SWIMMERS (If you’ve never seen The Jerk, that last won’t make sense)!

As I return to my towel, I’m somewhat pleased to see a couple of ladies that have parked themselves within view; but then the two guys that were with them parked. It was like a scene from “Free Willy,” with how large these two dudes are…and just as white. I didn’t mind quite so much when they broke out the huge hooka and were smoking some interesting herb, and minded even less when they offered me a pass.  People here are quite friendly; These guys were a little more friendly than I’d have liked. Even though they were with the pretty ladies, they were more interested in me than the ladies. I did get an invitation to dinner at a Greek restaurant up the street.

Hmmmm.....Not sure how to consider this one...

Tel Aviv is very liberal and open; the number of hookahs on the beat is but one way to taste the local culture.  With my Hawaiian beach towel and American novel on the beach, curiosity got the best of a few people that stopped by to say hello.  Strangely enough, almost everyone who came over to say “hello” asked me about some American television show or another. Odd that people halfway around the world are more familiar with American television than I am.

The way people lay on the beach is interesting.  Most beaches I’ve been to, we all face the sun like the good little sun-worshippers that we are. In Tel Aviv, there are rings of people that switch positions.  Find a perfect circle with a hookah in the middle and it’s like some ancient ritual point.  It’s very interesting.

The Passion. Wow. In all my life, I’ve never heard two gay guys going at it (outside of a movie, that is). This couple got into a fight on the beach and they weren’t afraid to let the world listen in. I don’t speak Hebrew, but dayum! I pictured the conversation going something like:

“You don’t look at my butt that way; what am I, chopped liver??”
“I like your butt just fine; he was blocking my sun!”
“You were STARING! Everyone could see! I’m SO embarrassed!”
“Quit being so dramatic. He’s just another pretty face. I’m with you and you should be glad for a guy as great as me.”
“Bitch, please! I could have any guy on this beach!” (And he probably could, because he was kinda cute in a Paris Hilton kinda way, you know…the little dog she carries around?).
“Whatever…..” (ShiiBillniiqua, I need your head-roll thing here…”

They also might have been trying to figure out who last had the car keys…I dunno. Like I said…I don’t speak Hebrew.  But it sure is fun making up conversations to go with their animations. You HAVE to admire a guy that can roll his head and neck with the long-finger hand movements that heretofore I thought only black women could do.

I said this before….Tel Aviv is not a place to experience alone, but there is a sweet peace in lying on the beach, hearing the helicopters,  Jetskiis, PongBall (Jebuz, is that ALL they play on the beach?) and vendors hawking half-melted icecream in the sun all the while with the iPod blaring a mix of Drake, Lynrd Skynrd, Eminem, Alter Bridge, and Stone Sour.  Oh yeah…reading Jeffrey Deaver, Clive Cussler, and Barry Eisler (these are all mind-boggling novels of intellectual depth. You can lose your page, start wherever you wish in the book and stay on track with the story.

PongBall…the noise is incessant. Yet relaxing.

Speaking of stories…Here I hang within a stone’s throw of Yafo/Yaphet/Jaffo/Jaffa, one of the oldest ports in the world. The locals swear that the story in Greek mythology which describes how the beautiful princess Andromeda, who was bound to rocks in the sea, took place exactly facing the shores of Yafo. Andromeda’s mother, Queen Cassiopeia, bragged that her daughter was more beautiful than the daughters of Poseidon. The Greek god of the sea became angry, inundated the shores of the Land of Israel with tidal waves and sent monsters to devour the people. Cassiopeia was asked to sacrifice her daughter Andromeda to one of the monsters in order to calm his anger. When she bound her to the rocks Perseus killed the monster, thus rescuing and marrying Andromeda. To this day it is possible to catch a glimpse of the chains on Andromeda Rock, which peek from the seawater at the entrance to the Port of Yafo.

Now back at the hotel room, 3 showers later, I can’t seem to clear all the sand. It’s embedded in ears, fingernails, toenails, nostrils, hair, and unmentionable parts. I have a friend that collects sand; Maybe when I get back stateside I can jump up and down on some newspapers and provide her with a cup or two.  I’ve brushed my teeth twice and still feel like I have a mouthfull of grit.

OK…off to dinner with friends. Catch ya on the flipside!

Israel-Day One/Part Deux

Yafo from the sea

Day one is OVAH….landed at Ben Gurion, LOVE the security here. Damn….it’s so nice to see pro’s at work instead of the “can’t form a sentence” people at TSA… Today I had a bottle of water that I’d purchased INSIDE the security barrier, except overseas flights have a secondary barrier. Without a receipt, you can’t keep your water and the airline no longer offers bottled water…so if you’re flying international out of JFK…keep your receipt.
Just how stupid is that, anyway? You can’t buy water until you’re inside the security barrier, but if you do want to bring liquid purchased behind the security barrier, you must keep a receipt if you want to get it on the plane…well….if it’s smuggled explosives or contraband from BEHIND the barrier, who is to say you didn’t buy a bottle of liquid and replace it with the contraband/explosives??

Ahh…..hit the beach and found the fine sands of Tel Aviv to mix nicely with the warm sun. Not terribly different from Hawaii, but there are no palms on the beach like Hawaii has. PongBall is EVERYWHERE on the beach today. It’s like a national game or something, except the rackets they use here really “PONG” when they hit the ball.  Dinner at White Pergola, and a nice finish to the day with a cold Fanta…

 

BTW, it’s kinda stupid to experience the romance of a Tel Aviv sunset at Joffa…

Tel Yafo...wow.